i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And then my night got REAL pukey
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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