Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We're too hungover to prance.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
