I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
