When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
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Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.