I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
