yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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