why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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