My girlfriend figured out who you are.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
