Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Of course I have a pirate flag
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
