Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
