I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
