You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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