I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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