I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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