Texts From Last Night

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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.

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  (973): Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer. http://tfl.nu/dm7j
  Replies (21) Good night (540) Bad night (2902)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"

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  (301): My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock" http://tfl.nu/tlon
  Replies (53) Good night (9701) Bad night (869)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.

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  (801): My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef. http://tfl.nu/9csw
  Replies (31) Good night (603) Bad night (4754)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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  (403): so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them. http://tfl.nu/j4fw
  Replies (7) Good night (7657) Bad night (853)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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  (416): We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard? http://tfl.nu/skft
  Replies (12) Good night (5804) Bad night (818)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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  (775): Why is the garage door in the middle of the street? http://tfl.nu/rc41
  Replies (13) Good night (4135) Bad night (1471)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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  (901): I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck. http://tfl.nu/z7fe
  Replies (21) Good night (8253) Bad night (861)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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  (914): I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list http://tfl.nu/bjw0
  Replies (18) Good night (5012) Bad night (671)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
  Replies (26) Good night (2161) Bad night (9105)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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  (425): Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/kcmo
  Replies (17) Good night (1230) Bad night (3268)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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  (+61): You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out http://tfl.nu/lg4i
  Replies (7) Good night (2078) Bad night (692)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.

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  (404): If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you. http://tfl.nu/1sgs
  Replies (3) Good night (938) Bad night (422)
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  (805): View more from California

  Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.

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  (805): Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/3xan
  Replies (0) Good night (358) Bad night (428)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY

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  (513): Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY http://tfl.nu/rc9r
  Replies (7) Good night (977) Bad night (356)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer

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  (317): Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer http://tfl.nu/bezk
  Replies (1) Good night (561) Bad night (202)

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