so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet