just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
