Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.