She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
