She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
