Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
high people should be assigned attendants
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
