Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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