i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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