there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
