true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
