im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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