he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
