So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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