Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
