Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
