I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
