take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
