I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
