Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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