Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
