I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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