Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
