Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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