I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I pour the whiskey from now on
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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