He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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