hotel room ftw
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
