Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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