True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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