Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
