I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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