You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
