If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
