GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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