I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
