After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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