You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
