I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
