You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
