You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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