Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
