how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
