Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
