you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
