I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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